Saturday, March 7, 2015

Wallpaper +therpy

You would think how can removing wallpaper be therapeutic?

For me it was, it was a total release.

I wallpapered my bathroom 12 years ago when we first moved into our house. We had so many dreams for our home and our growing family.

My style then was one I admired, one for the time period in history. And two because all the other Titus 2 women I followed seemed to have a similar style.

When designing my home in the first few years, my heart and soul went into how I wanted it to be. How it should look, what the look reflects, How I wanted my husband and children to feel about it.

There was a lot of emotion tied up into my home. Partly I think because I moved quite a bit as a child, but always considered my grandparents house my "home" , my safe place, my warm spot, and the soft place to fall. For many years it was that. For me, My mom, my cousins. etc. It still is for me now because my mom is there. There is a certain level of attachment to the home. Not really the physical home but the emotions, and memories IN the home.

When we bought our home I couldn't wait to "create" this same atmosphere. This same sense of peace, love, warmth, understanding, love, joy.

I wanted to create that soft place to fall. 

We filled out tiny home with children, and memories.

Good, bad and ugly.

The inside of these four walls have seen Joy, Love, Dreams, Pain, Anger, Anguish, Heartache.

Back to the wallpaper. Today I decided to get rid of the wall paper in my bathroom.

With each swirl of the wallpaper tool, I felt a pang of excitement.
I sprayed the walls with my vinegar solution.. and began to peel the paper off.
Using my paper chef spatula~ :)
With each swipe, I felt such a relief.
I was playing worship music in the back round  and I could feel the release of unrealized dreams, of shattered hearts, of just emotional pain I've been hanging onto.
I was communing with God.
The music, the motions.. 

The wiping of the walls reaffirmed my Father always washing the slate clean. He will never turn from me.

The blank wall waiting for something new.. Remind me it's ok to start new. A fresh start is good. A new beginning.

My oldest daughter has been out of my house for some time. She comments quite often that, I'm breaking tradition on certain things.  I've come to realize that's ok.
She's moving on with her life and I will move on with mine and my other children, creating new memories, new traditions. And it's Ok to do that.

God has always remained faithful to me, his servant.
My desire is still the same, serve my God, Love my husband, Love my children, Honor my mother and father. Teach my children His ways, and do so to the best of my ability.

My brokenness, my repentance, my forgiveness by my savior has been realized.

My broken dreams are gone, my heart has accepted what is and is ready to move forward with what will come.

Who would've thought how removing wallpaper would draw me closer still to my Lord.


Saturday, February 7, 2015

Life..and a sharing of my heart.

You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.
Psalm 86:5

I  haven't update my blog in quite sometime. Because frankly I wasn't sure how to.  It has taken many months for me to come to grips with certain circumstances in my life. Which, I'm finally ready.. I think.. to share with all of you.

Since I last updated my blog in the summer I've been dealing with many changes in my family structure. Some of which.. I found absolutely devastating.. at the time.. but now I am able to cope a lot better then before.

I will not lie, my faith has wavered. I have struggled desperately within myself to find out the whys?

I will never know. I will only know that GOD has a purpose in it all. And I must remain faithful to him to see how it all plays out.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I have clung to this verse for many years, and it has brought me through many different situations.
A lot of my own struggles come from within my own sinful heart. *I* have a plan.. *I* want things to be a certain way. *I* *ME* and *I* some more.
Forgetting at times that it's not always about me.
Proverbs 14 
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Whoever fears the Lord walks uprightly, but those who despise him are devious in their ways. A fool’s mouth lashes out with pride, but the lips of the wise protect them. ...
Back in the summer, we found out that my teenage son had gotten his teenage girlfriend pregnant.
The perception of my reality came crashing down, HARD.
There was so much emotion twirling and spiraling in my head and heart.
Why? How? What will we do? What will my Christian friends think of me? How will my son get through this? How will my other children react? What are we going to do as a family?
The dynamics of your family change when you go though something like this. Especially when your the "good Christian family" that is involved in your church.
Why God? Why would you allow this to happen? Did you allow this?  Are you there God?
Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction
Can *I* follow these instructions?
The world is full of advice, but can I follow Christ's lead?  Can I rebuke and encourage, with out enabling?
Once I got over the initial shock, we moved forward.

 I won't lie to you. We lost friends over this and we have struggled as a family.

We also gained a beautiful grandson out of it. James Thomas.

I am proud of my son and his girlfriend. They have both repented. And they try their very best to do the right thing. They are young, and they still struggle. But they continue to try.  I'm old and still struggle.

I will not judge them on  their struggles. I wish others would do the same.

I have asked God to lead me on this journey. I have been called a fool, lazy, not fair, too nice. I have been judged on my mercy and grace, and told that I'm doing the wrong thing.

I have sought and cried out to Christ in EVERY aspect of this. For a while I heard just be still. Be quiet, be forgiving.

I often imagine would someone have told Jesus he was too kind, to forgiving? Would some tell him to walk away, let that person struggle. Would someone say to Jesus, they are not worthy of you?

I have been told all those things.

When I read my scripture though.. I haven't seen Jesus do that once!

I will continue to love ALL my children. Through thick and thin. Even when they don't love me.
Just like when we walk away from Christ, he still loves us, unconditionally and underserving.

Matthew 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
If you have stuck by me through this, I appreciate you! My heart thanks you for the prayers, the kindness, the tears of sorrow and joy I have cried with some of you.
A friend loves at all times.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

expect the unexpected..

Today was one of those days.

You know the kind I'm talking about. The kind of day that doesn't go as you planned it to. looked so differently. 

You see yesterday I had a plan for today.. and it went something like this.. wake up usual time, finish up the laundry, clean out car and load it up, leave house nice and clean for when hubby comes home. Leave and get to our second home by lunch time.. this way I would be able to inventory the food contents, figure out a menu and shop.. then have the rest of the day to ourselves. Enjoying out time here.

Instead, it went like this:
Woke up LATE, not minutes late but 2 1/2 HOURS later then usual.
My precious 9 year old had cleaned the kitchen up, and straightened the living room up, to the best of her ability.. She was excited to get on the road today.. :)
Started that last load of wash, but would have to wait for that to finish because I need to pack some stuff from that load..
Woke up my 13 year old... He still needed to pack..
Began to make breakfast.. Phone rings...
Put son in charge of breakfast..
Talk to my mom, attempt to have coffee.
3 sips into my coffee, put it down.. Big furry beast helps himself to my coffee.
walk into kitchen and remember.. I'm suppose to make a meal and bring it to church.. YUP, I forgot.. rummage through cabinets..
Yes, found pasta! Made a Tuscan Pasta.. while.. baby emptied Tupperware cabinet all over floor!
what's that smell.. ooohhh, 5 year old has decided to paint her nails while she was waiting for get ready.. and she still hasn't found her shoes,
Did I mention, We were trying to leave????
Ok, Everyone eats.. Cause usually as soon as we hit the road, someone will say the dreaded words I have come to expect.. even though I try so desperately to avoid hearing them " I'm hungry".. 
But TODAY, I was ready for it..
I made sure we ate BEFORE we left.. Haha, Crisis averted.. (maybe)
Ok, Pasta is ready to go, Clothes are in the car, Everyone has shoes!! (YES!!!)
I was ready!!!
Walk outside and begin the load up process, come back in.. Poopie diaper ripped to shreds all over the HOUSE!! Fury beast strikes again!!!
Oh the laundry.. let me get that in dryer and just take out the shirt I need for trip..
Open washer, start digging for shirt... wait, what the heck, there is tons of gel like substance, ALL OVER EVERYTHING in the washer.. 
There is a mom out there who is reading this, and has guessed correctly..
Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner to the Mom who said.. "diaper" ..
YUP, some how, some way, a diaper got mixed in with the wash load..
This is a mess of EPIC proportions.. it's 12:00.. I need to get this pasta to church.. I don't have time for a huge diaper mess AGAIN!!!
Pick the shirt out I need, hang the rest of the stuff outside on the line..
Praying the wind will have knocked off the gel gunk!
Look around at the disaster I am leaving ... feel a tad guilty..
Get over the guilt rather quickly.. RUN, RUN NOW, the little voice in my head says..
I run.. I gotta go!!!!!!
Windows down, Beautiful day.. ALMOST to church..
A little voice from the back..
Mommy, I don't feel.....................(insert any puking noise you wish here)
I'm watching in my rear view as my little girl vomits BREAKFAST!!
Run into church, drop off meal, steal paper towels!! (I didn't really steal from church!)
Clean up little one..
And think.. I better hold off on driving too much further just in case.
Stop by my moms.. give my girl a ginger ale and chat with my mom for a bit..
An hour later.. I have the all clear from the puker that she is fine..
Ok, we load up again..
This time we stole Mac back from my mom for the trip!
gas, stop at bank, stop at dunkin donuts for an iced coffee for mom and yup BAGELS for the rest of the crew and we are on our way...
90 mins, into the trip..
it's a choir of " I have to pee" ..
I understand, but we are MILES away from a rest stop..
"I'm not going to make it"
"I'm really not going to make it"
There is some sort of Pee-Pee dance/bounce happening in the back seat..
I pull off the side of the road..
Good thing I got a LARGE iced coffee... that cup came in handy..
I kid you not.. this is only the second time we've EVER had to pull off the road for an emergency pee stop..
Ok.. back on the road..
We finally arrive at our home away from home!
We see our friends, We take a swim, we breathe!

I could have easily slipped into coo-coo mode this morning.. and I felt myself heading that direction..
all because things weren't going MY way..
SO many times, as a mom I realize, it's not about ME..

God has given me these blessings, and they come with car sickness and almost pee pee accidents, Dirty diapers in the washer, Tupperware all over the floor.

They keep me humble..
They are truly precious!

Thankful.. I was able to stop myself from going to that place of .. I just want to get done.. to taking it all with a grain of salt.. and realizing that there is a purpose in the delays. God has a purpose in it all. I don't need to know what it was.. I just need to role with it.


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